I’m sorry I haven’t written, okay? But it wasn’t my fault. Honest… I ran out of gas! I–I had a flat tire! I didn’t have enough money for cab fare! My tux didn’t come back from the cleaners! An old friend came in from out of town! Someone stole my car! There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts!
Okay but seriously, here’s why I haven’t written lately:
Football is killing me this year.
I can’t focus. I don’t even know where to look.
I don’t want to look at my fantasy team. The aptly named “Underachievers” (taglined “Just like the Bills, only with more wins.”) have thrown me a gelatinous mess of stats that couldn’t beat a goldfish. Miraculously, I have 4 wins. Or, despairingly, I have only 4 wins. Either way, that’s twice as many as the Bills have.
So I don’t want to look at the Bills. I correctly chose and was affirmed in my decision to NOT watch the Bills this year, because they stink. Then they almost won 3 straight games. Then they DID win 2 games. Then they almost won one more game. GetmyhopesupGetmyhopesupGetmyhopesup…and they got crushed last week. My heart is not a yo-yo and my love is not a toy.
I don’t want to look at the players. The number of 3rd string quarterbacks starting games is unreal. I have been in pro football longer than some of those guys. Beyond that, Peyton Manning is turning into Brett Favre and Brett Favre is turning into Al Davis. James Harrison can’t turn sideways without being fined, and Stevie Johnson is going Chuck Knoblauch on us. The 2 highest paid Redskins have both been benched at least once this year, and I’m not sure even Randy Moss knows what team he plays for.
I don’t want to look at the coaches. It’s a waste of time paying attention to someone who’s going to get fired next week. (What’s that Jerry Richardson? John Fox’s job in Carolina is safe for the rest of the season? Whew! You heard him John, now go get that second win!)
And finally, I don’t want to look at the best team, because then I’d have to look at the Patriots, and I try never to look directly at them. (Should be quite the challenge seeing as how I will be at the Bears-Patriots game this Sunday. Although probably one or more of my eyes will be frozen shut. Chicago. Always the problem solver.)
Bring on Week 14!