LeBronchelorette.

WHAT was that.

Seriously, what WAS that?!?!

How many athletes could – would – commandeer over an HOUR of prime time ESPN programming just so people could watch him play pin-the-tail-on-the-team?  Or more appropriately, shove a knife in the back of your former team?

(Okay actually, Brett Favre could – and has – also done both.  Ew.)

LeBron:  the Decision.

If you had only heard the intro, knowing nothing about the situation, you might have thought you were watching

A.  LeBron deciding whether or not to run for President
B.  A dramatic reenactment of LeBron choosing to give a kidney to a dying relative
C.  LeBron admitting to steroid use though never having been accused, because his conscience couldn’t keep it from all those girls and boys in that club.

But you would be wrong about all of those.

No, what we just witnessed was this season’s most compelling episode of The Bachelorette yet.  This was ugly and heartless.  It was everything that good (Read: voyeuristic and terrible) reality TV should be.

Was it really between all 4 teams, LeBron?  All 4 teams were foaming at the mouth to be chosen, and you continued to give all 4 of them roses, week after excruciating week.  I do believe he was at least a little bit in love with all of them at some point, though for different reasons.  Chicago was the successful one who had its act together and knew what it wanted.  New York was the fun one, and he saw its potential but knew it was just too immature for him.

And then there’s Cleveland.  The lovable loser, the slightly socially awkward one who stuck around because it always managed to pull on his heartstrings at just the right moment, even though he knew he couldn’t see a future there.

And in the end, he did what they all do:  he picked the hot one.

There goes the neighborhood.

Chicago and New York will get over it – they know they’re hot stuff too (okay, New York is more of a hot mess, but close enough).  But Cleveland?  Cleveland will be wounded for decades.  Instead of sending it home graciously he gave it false hope.  Toying with the emotions of generations of downtrodden fans is the worst kind of cruel.

And like any good, bitter, spurned Bachelorette contestant, Cleveland shot back.  In case you missed this morning’s edition of LeBron:  After the Final Rose, allow me to provide a link to the Open Letter to Fans from Cavaliers Majority Owner Dan Gilbert.

Ouch.  (Athough no one in his right mind can take that font seriously, Dan.  Comic sans, really?)

“The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you.”

…”If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our “motivation” to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.”

Cleveland, maybe if you had made it abundantly clear to LeBron that you were in it for the right reasons, and that you would do whatever it takes to guard and protect his heart, he would have proposed to you.  Instead, like Nelson from the Simpsons, he pointed at you and said “Ha ha!” He shouted “If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it!” laughed at his pun, and hopped a plane for South Beach.

But everyone knows that by choosing “the hot one” he’s almost guaranteed a messy breakup in a couple years.  Sorry Miami, no one’s convinced you’re marriage material.

On the bright side Cleveland, we know that when the poor spurned lovable loser returns home…suddenly it’s a lot easier for him to get a date.

(Good luck, Cavs!  If I were a free agent, I would totally go out with you!  Er, sign with you.)

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